[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over