“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”