@johnbiehl: "Playing hard to get huh?" I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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@thetigersez: How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
@flashember: [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
@Tmoney68: When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
@drewtoothpaste: Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.