{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.