The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
You Might Also Like
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax