Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Thursday Thought.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.