Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Seek kebab; not attention
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*