*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
accurate
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now