[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
just left a huge legacy in there
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.