*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
3% human
97% stress
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi