@peteholmes: playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as "options."
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why are we here? Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions
@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
@GrowlyGrego: Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?
@relatabledad: every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me