Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.