*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch