[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”