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@Be___Dope: [ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
@ericsshadow: HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
"hold on I'm still googling exacerbate"
@XplodingUnicorn: 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
@UnFitz: You're like a semicolon. I'm not sure exactly what to do with you.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: What's the downside of house arrest?