[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.