[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…