[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.