Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt