Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.