@ibid78: [plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]
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@Dawn_M_: I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.
@radtoria: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
@timdonakowski: Pee your name in the snow and you'll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
@stephenjmolloy: Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."