*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Simple enough.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.