Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming