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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Twitter remains undefeated
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.