Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
saving face 👀
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw