“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no