I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.