@abhorrent_wife: Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
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@BeardSpice: [sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. "What do you mean?" I can't remember.
@TallDarkHandsy: Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
@AnnietheNanny1: What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
@LoveNLunchmeat: You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.