Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me trying to walk in a dream
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle