“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”