@kate_smithxx: Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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@Tmoney68: Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this. *dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap* M: I have never been happier in my life.
@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
@CopBroughtPizza: gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*