Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Tuesday
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.