@Overdue_Bills: Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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@NewDadNotes: Friend: what’s it like having kids? Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock. Friend: that’s not so bad. Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
@tastefactory: Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
@youngkrazz: Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you're not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance