Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve