*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby