Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat