My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
same bro
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct