When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I know this now 😂
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed