@dwaghalter: Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It's a play on words.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
@AnOrangeSNES: Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one
@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@primawesome: I pet my dog and he didn't wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I'll dress like a cat.