@dwaghalter: Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It's a play on words.
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@Smug_Lemur: Forgot I started my stopwatch. It's now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
@FineThingsNLife: Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are "Drinking Women Eating Cars". Dude. Take up a new hobby. It's called Punctuation.
@GroperCleveland: Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
@animaldrumss: Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?