@Michael1979: Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not "free ducks" and you're NOT allowed to take one
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@RidiculousSheri: Yelp review: Dating You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won't let you bring your cat. Would not recommend.
@ruinedpicnic: "Sorry but It's me or the label maker." [takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt] "Thank y-" [sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
@fowlerism: DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet! ME: Ha ha, you're so silly [later] ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions