Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I was just discussing this with my cat
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
black phone good
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If you know, you know
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?