Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group