Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.