Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*