@memeprovider: "please do not expand the list by killing people."
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@underchilde: I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@TheDeducers: *Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.