you will never know the true number of layers
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me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
groan^2
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”