Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
You Might Also Like
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
no!! no!!!!!!
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”