@PFitzpa: Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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@AGreaterMonster: Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@InkedUpKidder: My fan has two settings: - Barely moving. - Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.