@PFitzpa: Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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@KeetPotato: [schmoozing at fancy dinner] me: im a private investigator wife: you're allowed to say gynaecologist, keith me: people are eating, linda
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@weinerdog4life: I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.