[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose