Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
me at 15: i can鈥檛 wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she鈥檚 EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 馃檪
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Don鈥檛 make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I鈥檇 like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.