Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
who wants to go expliring
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me working on my assignments ^-^
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground