wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Sheer Arrogance”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter