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@fillthevacuum: Please don't cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
@Annoyedworld: I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that's why my tattoo is hot nurse.
@BallsMcBallski: It's been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: You should cut your toenails.
M: You're scratching my leg.
W: I'm WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That's kinda my point.
@Zwolf666: My neighbor's 13-month old only has four teeth. She's way too young to being doing that much meth.
@AsgardianRose: Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.