Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
😂😂
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*