Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Education is vital
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread