Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me too 😆
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I like long walks away from everyone
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.