Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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me when i see my girls butt
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Inside you there are two wolves
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude