@ReelQuinn: "Please don't do this." - my voice mail greeting
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@FatherWithTwins: My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.
@Biraahwa: Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely. Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks. Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms? Me: Ohh!
@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.