“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.