“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
no their not
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math